If i come over, it means nothing
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
