i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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