Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
