This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Success! We fucked roommates!
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