if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
