I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
