Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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