I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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