Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
