First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
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You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!