Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
