i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Michael Bay diarrhea
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
