I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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