I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
