If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
