if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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