You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My pussy is not your playground.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
