She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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