Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
