seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
