Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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