Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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