omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
