The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
