I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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