Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
