I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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