I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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