It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize