Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
