Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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