the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
