honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I would ride that face into the sunset
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
