Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
