Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
