operation harelip BJ is a go
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
