I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
