my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I party with great urgency now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
