I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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