I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
