i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
