Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
