At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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