Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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