He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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