He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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