i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
