I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
