The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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