It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
