Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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