With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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