How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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