What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
