When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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