upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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